The Smoking Hole

Please note before reading that I do not condone smoking in any form. It is terrible for your body and causes emphysema, which just sounds retched. And there is the small matter of bad oral health; it's disgusting. Try apples, they're excellent for you and make your breath smell freaky fruity fresh.

I go to high school. One of the things that comes in a package deal with high school is the oddballs who think its cool to smoke. I couldn't really care less about these people and what they do to themselves, but I do have a problem with the place they choose to smoke.

The cleverly named smoking hole is cleverly situated a stone's throw away from the property line of the school, clearly seen by teachers, and right in the way of my strolling home from school. (I stroll because its good for the health, unlike smoking—but mostly because my ability to drive well is roughly the equivalent of Sheldon Cooper's.)

Now, if I ever decided to become a smoker, I'd want to do it in a place that was cool, slightly dangerous, and where the underaged smokers wouldn't bother me asking for the cigarettes and lighters Mummy, Daddy, and Big Sissy wouldn't buy for them. Something along the lines of the smoking hole in Looking for Alaska. Unfortunately, my school is smack dab in the middle of the town I live in—it takes up an entire block—and there isn't a quaint creek anywhere, unless you're willing to walk a bit. I don't know about the smokers you interact with, but the ones I know would be panting if they had to walk anywhere farther than three blocks. Fortunately, I have laid out the pros and cons of different options a little closer to home.

#1 - The Roof

Every school has one. It's probably pretty easy to get on if you know where to go. The roof is definitely cooler than the sidewalk. You could potentially throw eggs at students after school, provided teachers weren't looking up at that given moment. And saying, "I'm going to the roof this afternoon," sounds slick. On the other hand, you would probably get in loads of trouble for being on the roof if you weren't supposed to, and the suntan you might receive would definitely ruin the sickly skin tone you've been working on by not going outside all summer.

#2 - The Catwalk

Above the stage, in semi-darkness. Your legs hang down as you blow smoke rings with your tongue. A little danger—because that catwalk hasn't been walked on in fifteen years—a little drama. You could probably get away with it too, because you know the drama teacher gets his fix in between third and fourth period. And freshmen would have trouble tracking you down. On the downside, the stage will start smelling fetid and some authoritative figure will eventually notice and bust you.

#3 - The Showers

While it may not be the most pretty place, the locker room showers are nearly always empty. The steam from the running shower would ensure no passersby would smell you, and you'd be safe from those persnickety teachers. Furthermore, the showers already smell like drugs, so your smoking spot wouldn't be discovered for at least a month.

Wherever you choose you smoke this fall, make sure you weigh your options equally. If all else fails you could always quit. Save your money and spend it on something useful, like college or pretzel M&M's. But what do I know, I'm just a stupid teenager.

If you need further incentive to not smoke, I've got some below, but I wouldn't advise clicking on it if you have a weak tummy.